Operation:NetTalk Entry#009

What Your Sleeping Positions Say About You

By Scott Roeben

What do your sleep positions say about you? What insights do your nocturnal contortions provide about your inner thoughts, your hopes and secret fantasies? For years, sleep experts have studied the relationship between how we sleep and how we feel. At last, the results of the research are available here—exclusively at Dribbleglass.com.

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A whopping 43 percent of us sleep on our backs. The position shows confidence and mental wellbeing. It expresses an openness and a generally bright outlook on life.

Many people sleep on their side. This popular position shows a small degree of insecurity, and often indicates growing stress overflowing from the sleeper’s waking hours.

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Sleeping on the stomach has been shown to correlate with hidden aggression. The “face down” position is often a precursor to dramatic and sometimes detrimental shifts in the sleeper’s emotional life.

This variation of lying on one’s back is known as the “Deathwish.” It is characterized by hands folded on one’s chest and shows the sleeper’s subconscious hope that he or she will be pushed into the path of an oncoming bullet train.

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The “L” position was first observed during the 1940s. Experts believe this fairly rare position reveals the sleeper’s secret yearning to swim in a giant vat of alphabet soup.

Referred to as the “Hazel,” this position clearly indicates that a sleeper harbors an unnatural desire to become a domestic servant.

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In this position—which utilizes a strategically positioned pillowcase—the sleeper reverts to infancy. It is clear this represents a longing for simpler times, as well as a profound urge to “go poopy.”

The unusual utilization of pillows in this configuration indicates a sexual timidity, usually brought on by some sexual dysfunction such as not being able to “get any” even after dating livestock.

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“The cheerleader”—likely to use pillow cases as makeshift pom-poms—has a need to “cheer” others on. This person often has a waking life full of shopping, spouting superficial cliches and “petting with really cool guys.”

The “Drooler” does just that. This isn’t exactly a sleep position, but we just think it’s icky.

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This position, the “Cousteau,” seems to be connected with the sleeper’s feelings they are “swimming against the current” in life, commonly mixed with a sense of “drowning with worry” or getting the love “bends.”

Scientists have no idea what this position represents, but it certainly does give one what experts call “the willies.”

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The “Roman Senator” harbors painful feelings of inadequacy. This position should not be confused with the “Braveheart,” which indicates painful feelings of wanting to rebel against one’s own “Longshank.”

It’s clear this sleeper wants to hide from his or her problems. He or she seeks to remain anonymous to the world, a place where he or she hates being referred to as “he or she.”

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This painful posture has been called the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” position by experts. It shows a deep-seated compulsion to default on loans from underworld figures with nicknames like “Johnny the Chin.”

These are some of the more common sleep positions. You may have some of your own. Listen to what your body is saying. Sometimes, of course, it’s not saying anything—it’s just making noises.

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